Sunday, October 12, 2008

Unlocking the Seventh Seal

Chinese Democracy will be released on November 23, 2008.

This just in: Chicken Little reports the fucking sky is falling.

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that goes something like: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 137 times, go fuck yourself, man; You come here talking that bullshit again, I’ll chop your soul off. How very apropos. After years of cryptic delays, we are now expected to be able to purchase Axl’s 14-year, $13 million opus just in time for the 2008 holiday season...exclusively at big-box chain store Best Buy. Huh?

Do you know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. The Geek Squad is totally going to hook up your PC! In the jungle; welcome to the jungle, I wanna see you shopping for DVDs alphabetically by genre.

This marketing strategy hardly sounds odd. Who but Axl would launch a world tour spanning five continents—fragmented from 2001 to 2007—to promote an album which will now allegedly drop just prior to the commencement of 2009? During this strange traveling circus, Axl no-showed a concert date to watch a regular season Lakers game on TV (leading to the second mini-riot and subsequent cancellation of the 2002 North American tour), scuffled with an effeminate, middle-aged fashion designer, and spent the night in a Stockholm jail after biting the leg of a hotel security guard. Meanwhile, Chinese Democracy had become the punch line for any project that has been procrastinated or failed to meet its most tentative deadline. I overslept yesterday and my wife snickered that “waking up is your Chinese Democracy.” Now, after five different producers, a revolving door of band members, and the recent reports that new GN'R tunes will be debuted through a video game and a Leonardo DiCaprio movie, there is an increased likelihood that Chinese Democracy will in fact precede democracy in China.

Regardless of the innumerable cockteases and false alarms, there is literally nothing that will prevent me from purchasing this CD like a schnook immediately upon its release. Even if that means I have to spend my 15 dollars at an underground Al Qaeda bunker in Afghanistan to get it. Even if I have to wait for the FBI to declassify top secret info on the JFK assassination first. That’s how pathetic and brainwashed I am. Nevertheless, I won’t believe this latest ruse until the liner notes are in my right hand, a Best Buy receipt is in my left, and I’m sipping my free Dr. Pepper through a straw with one of the many songs I have already heard blaring from my stereo.

If this actually happens, anything is possible. I shall engage the devil himself in a snowball fight next to the furnace in Hell. Who knows? This can result in a spiritual awakening on a global scale. An acceleration of consciousness shall transpire. Solids and liquids will become plasmas. But if this twisted testament to self-absorption and rock n’ roll amour-propre doesn’t make Appetite for Destruction sound like Jesse & the 8th Street Kidz, the poles shall reverse and the great King of the Mongols cometh again. Or so Axl might believe. Perhaps 12/21/12 would be a more fitting release date.

2 comments:

Tim said...

Chinese Democracy could do my laundry, wipe my ass, and pay the Comcast bill, and it would STILL be a let down. Maybe my expectations are a little too high, but when the leader of one of the best rock bands of all time spends 14 years working on ONE album, I tend to expect big things. 14 years. If this album was his daughter, it would have hit puberty already and realized her fathers an ass...

... Perhaps it was meant to be this way. Track 2 on Use Your Illusion 2 was our warning...

Tracey said...

Axel receives weekly botox injections and monthly holistic enemas (colon cleansing herbs are squeezed into his arsehole via turkey baster type of instrument)...it's one of the natural, healthier ways he releases endorphins now. He's also quite the yogi and can sit in lotus position for up to 3 hours. Yoga helps him to balance his bipolar tendencies. So...good for him!